This June and July I seem to be doing more weddings than usually. To the newly weds and maybe to those of us who have been on the journey for sometime I have some advice. Get a pressure release valve (PRV).
In every relationship things build up. Issues are unresolved or at least by one of the parties not sufficiently resolved that the feelings fester. When the two parties talk that can’t seem to agree about what happened, what was the plan, what did we decide or just what should we do now. You have your opinion and they have theirs. Who’s right? What’s right? What does our faith tell us to do? What do our values tell us to do?
Two people when disagreeing will have at least two opinions. The power game gets played and no one is happy and we can’t move forward together. The Qur’an invites us to find a person that we both have faith in to be fair.
My advice. Get a pressure release vale. Not sex, not a vacation or a visit to the spa. When cooler heads are prevailing and this should be done ideally before you get married, identify someone (PRV) that you each can call without permission or approval to get their perspective. This person is you pressure release valve.
You should both agree who they are on the front end. Choose wisely because they will be needed in the crisis. These are people for whom their are no secrets, no honor or disgrace, only love, respect and mercy between you. Keep them near to your family. Maybe they are your imam, pastor or rabbi, respected uncle or auntie in the community and maybe not your parents.
Respecting their authority: having asked them to serve you in this role their advice should be taken seriously, believing that they have your families collective best interest at heart, whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes you my feel that their opinion on a matter is bias toward one or the other. You may not get YOUR way in the short run, in the long run each member of the group will be happier knowing that their is accountability.
If your pressure release vale fails to work. Then mutually agree to replace them with someone who you feel will serve your relationship not just your side.
Thanks Khalil for being our PRV for over 20 years.